That was a pretty funny post to Jesus. I do not even have much specific beef with Brady, but even I was happy when he went down. It just feels like the universe is a little more balanced now. Mike, Jon, and I were all happy at the same time for the same reason? Better take a picture because that sure as hell won't happen again.
Anyway, here are the winners for week 2.
Green Bay (-3) at Detroit
The Packers have to feel good about a win that they earned the hard way last week against their rivals from the NFC North, the Vikings. Meanwhile, Detroit's defense let a rookie QB making his first NFL start hang 34 on them. Their offense can score quick, but look for the Packers to easily cover that number.
NY Giants (-8 1/2) at St. Louis
I was actually paying attention to the Rams-Eagles game last week. The Rams are the worst team in the NFL. Their secondary, in particular, is a joke. I am inclined to bet against them, no matter what the number or who they are playing, until it stings me.
Pittsburgh (-6) at Cleveland
Cleveland is a the second biggest fraud in the league, next to the Giants, of course. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh looked way strong last week. I know it was against the Texans, but Cleveland isn't really that much better. Bottom line, the Steelers should be able to win this by a touchdown.
Philadelphia (+7) at Dallas
I like this number. It will be tough for the Eagles to win this game on the road and playing a division team that is the best in the conference. But I think they can keep it within 3 or 4.
By the way, Chad Johnson is listed on the Bengals roster as Chad Ocho Cinco. I love the NFL.
Last week
1-1
For the year
1-1
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Praise be to Jesus
Dear Jesus,
I know it's been awhile since we last talked, but I figured I should drop on by and give you big e-props for ruining Tom Brady's season. You really have no idea just how much of a difference this makes. Last week I was trying to figure out how to catch football highlights without watching Mike Ditka and Emmitt Smith bear wrestle each other to swallow Tom's cock first. Now who are they going to deepthroat? Tony Romo? Emmitt Smith can't even say that name without getting censored. Here are some of the awesome things that this has done:
Side note: all the Boston fans need to shut the fuck up about the play being dirty. Holy crap, the player didn't quit on the play, even though Sammie Morris did! How dare he fight through a block to reach the quarterback! Two hand touch rules only when it comes to Brady! Seriously, go get assfisted by some Southie skinhead.
You know what I really love, Jesus? All the fantasy football players that have gotten absolutely fucked by this. Let's face it, watching people's fantasy teams fail is always hilarious (please see Drew's teams from 2003-2045, assuming he isn't choked to death before then), but it's even funnier when their season is ruined in the first half of the first game of the season.
I'm sure there are some skeptics that don't believe you're responsible for this. Perhaps you could give them a sign by sacrificing another player, maybe someone like Shawne Merri--wait, what? PRAISE BE TO JESUS!
I know it's been awhile since we last talked, but I figured I should drop on by and give you big e-props for ruining Tom Brady's season. You really have no idea just how much of a difference this makes. Last week I was trying to figure out how to catch football highlights without watching Mike Ditka and Emmitt Smith bear wrestle each other to swallow Tom's cock first. Now who are they going to deepthroat? Tony Romo? Emmitt Smith can't even say that name without getting censored. Here are some of the awesome things that this has done:
- Removed him from my fucking sight on Sundays
- Dropped the Patriots from Super Bowl favorite to a slightly above average team with a wide receiver waiting to quit on his QB
- made it impossible for Tom Brady to have sex with his girlfriend standing up (HA, choke on that one!)
- led to the crushed dreams of thousands of self-righteous Boston sports fans
Side note: all the Boston fans need to shut the fuck up about the play being dirty. Holy crap, the player didn't quit on the play, even though Sammie Morris did! How dare he fight through a block to reach the quarterback! Two hand touch rules only when it comes to Brady! Seriously, go get assfisted by some Southie skinhead.
You know what I really love, Jesus? All the fantasy football players that have gotten absolutely fucked by this. Let's face it, watching people's fantasy teams fail is always hilarious (please see Drew's teams from 2003-2045, assuming he isn't choked to death before then), but it's even funnier when their season is ruined in the first half of the first game of the season.
I'm sure there are some skeptics that don't believe you're responsible for this. Perhaps you could give them a sign by sacrificing another player, maybe someone like Shawne Merri--wait, what? PRAISE BE TO JESUS!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Jett Favre
I'll also take the Patriots (+1.5) at NYJ. Patriots the underdogs?
The Jets were one completion away from losing to the Dolphins! Matt Cassel with a week of practice on the first team wins this game. I want to pick the 49ers at seattle (currently +7) but Seattle is such a different team at home, despite their injury riddled sorry excuse for a football team. I do like...
Pittsburgh (-6) at Cleveland.
Cleveland collapsed and gave up for the Cowboys at home. I see no reason why they wont do the same for the Steelers. I've really got to pick a home team this week.
Oakland (+3.5) at Kansas City
Hey, it's Oakland, they just gave up 41 points to Snake Jr.
The Jets were one completion away from losing to the Dolphins! Matt Cassel with a week of practice on the first team wins this game. I want to pick the 49ers at seattle (currently +7) but Seattle is such a different team at home, despite their injury riddled sorry excuse for a football team. I do like...
Pittsburgh (-6) at Cleveland.
Cleveland collapsed and gave up for the Cowboys at home. I see no reason why they wont do the same for the Steelers. I've really got to pick a home team this week.
Oakland (+3.5) at Kansas City
Hey, it's Oakland, they just gave up 41 points to Snake Jr.
Run, don't walk...
...to your bookie, because Vegas is giving away money. The Redskins/Saints game is a pick'em right now. I have a feeling that number is going to change a lot by later in this week. So I want to get in on this now. The Skins were actually favored by 1 yesterday. I love the Skins and all, but they are not as talented as the Saints even with home field advantage. I hope I am wrong, but I think this pick will hit 9 times out of 10. I'd be stupid NOT to pick this game. More winners later this week. Homos.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Week 1 in review
Not the greatest start to the year, 1-2 on my picks and 1-0 on my upset. 50/50 overall thus far. Turns out Houston isn't anywhere near as good as I gave them credit for and I severely underestimated the Tennessee defense. 8 sacks, 2 picks and only 7 points? Where did that come from? I wish I had gotten to see some of that game. Garrard only had 3 picks all of last season, he's my backup fantasy QB for that reason, it makes me wonder if his consistency has fallen off just that much or if the Titans D is just that good. In the future I think I'll take my own advice and not lay my picks so heavily on visiting teams.
All the Sunday Night Football crew could talk about was how Chicago was “stunning” the colts and everyone else. Yeah, they stunned everyone who doesn't remember what a healthy Chicago defense can do and has been in a cave regarding Manning's surgery. After the game Urlacher looked really insulted by a sideline reporter who suggested their win was a “huge upset.” The only thing that stunned me was the bears offense which put up 20 points. Not stellar or anything but when you're expecting more like 6, well, it's surprising. I think this makes them overachievers, as 6 points from the offense would've still won the game. I wonder why nobody accused Lovie Smith of running up the score during the press conference? How competitive does the NFC north look all of a sudden?
While I'm on the subject of the Sunday Night Football crew I've got to rant a little about how they're consistently phoning it in. They seem to make whatever random comment comes to mind whether or not it's based on any kind of even rudimentary knowledge of the team or, in the case of some comments, the past 15 minutes. Since we got to hear from these chuckle heads twice already this week I'm going to point out one remark from each game, though there are certainly more if I wanted to really draw this out. During the Washington at New Jersey game the announcers remarked that the one thing you can count on is that a Tom Coughlin coached team is always a disciplined team. Now, they're old, so lets not hold it against them that they can't remember two years ago when the Giants lead the league in personal fouls. The fact is, in the game they were commenting on, the Giants had already committed two fifteen yard personal fouls! Icing on the cake came on the very next play when a late hit drew a third personal foul. Fast forward to the Sunday night game. Bears have the ball at midfield, 3rd and 6. Draw play, Matt Forte up the middle breaks off a 51 yard touchdown run. Next Bears possession, 3rd and 5, draw play, Matt Forte up the middle for little or no gain. The announcers jump in with “teams usually assume they can run this draw play on the colts because their ends come to the outside so quickly, but not on third down, they protect it. You can't run the draw play on the colts on third down.” Excuse me? How can you so quickly forget a 51 yard touchdown run? Thanks for the insightful commentating NBC. How much do these guys get paid? I hear a lot of people complaining about players who don't try hard enough, what about announcers?
So Tom Brady is out for the year. Football talking heads declare this to be just awful. I mean, he's the “elite” of the NFL. He's what the fans come to see! Fuck him. His team cheated and then played like poor sportsmen the entirety of the previous season. Karma assholes. As a Redskins fan I hate the Giants but I was still happy to see the Patriots “perfect” season fail. I'm also happy to see Tom Brady injured because I think the NFL is better off with a mediocre Patriots team. This also opens up the very real possibility of Jett Favre winning the AFC East. I still give the edge to the Patriots in the division, but it'll be a lot tighter now. Somebody will declare the Bills to be the front runner in the AFC East with the impressive win over the Seahawks. Beating the Seahawks on the road? Meaningless, the Bills still have a lot to prove. Let's examine Matt Cassell's assessment of the situation:
Week 1's best cheerleaders have to go to the Eagles. Check out the photo from philadelphiaeagles.com and note the domain in the link; somebody over there has a sense of humor.
All the Sunday Night Football crew could talk about was how Chicago was “stunning” the colts and everyone else. Yeah, they stunned everyone who doesn't remember what a healthy Chicago defense can do and has been in a cave regarding Manning's surgery. After the game Urlacher looked really insulted by a sideline reporter who suggested their win was a “huge upset.” The only thing that stunned me was the bears offense which put up 20 points. Not stellar or anything but when you're expecting more like 6, well, it's surprising. I think this makes them overachievers, as 6 points from the offense would've still won the game. I wonder why nobody accused Lovie Smith of running up the score during the press conference? How competitive does the NFC north look all of a sudden?
While I'm on the subject of the Sunday Night Football crew I've got to rant a little about how they're consistently phoning it in. They seem to make whatever random comment comes to mind whether or not it's based on any kind of even rudimentary knowledge of the team or, in the case of some comments, the past 15 minutes. Since we got to hear from these chuckle heads twice already this week I'm going to point out one remark from each game, though there are certainly more if I wanted to really draw this out. During the Washington at New Jersey game the announcers remarked that the one thing you can count on is that a Tom Coughlin coached team is always a disciplined team. Now, they're old, so lets not hold it against them that they can't remember two years ago when the Giants lead the league in personal fouls. The fact is, in the game they were commenting on, the Giants had already committed two fifteen yard personal fouls! Icing on the cake came on the very next play when a late hit drew a third personal foul. Fast forward to the Sunday night game. Bears have the ball at midfield, 3rd and 6. Draw play, Matt Forte up the middle breaks off a 51 yard touchdown run. Next Bears possession, 3rd and 5, draw play, Matt Forte up the middle for little or no gain. The announcers jump in with “teams usually assume they can run this draw play on the colts because their ends come to the outside so quickly, but not on third down, they protect it. You can't run the draw play on the colts on third down.” Excuse me? How can you so quickly forget a 51 yard touchdown run? Thanks for the insightful commentating NBC. How much do these guys get paid? I hear a lot of people complaining about players who don't try hard enough, what about announcers?
So Tom Brady is out for the year. Football talking heads declare this to be just awful. I mean, he's the “elite” of the NFL. He's what the fans come to see! Fuck him. His team cheated and then played like poor sportsmen the entirety of the previous season. Karma assholes. As a Redskins fan I hate the Giants but I was still happy to see the Patriots “perfect” season fail. I'm also happy to see Tom Brady injured because I think the NFL is better off with a mediocre Patriots team. This also opens up the very real possibility of Jett Favre winning the AFC East. I still give the edge to the Patriots in the division, but it'll be a lot tighter now. Somebody will declare the Bills to be the front runner in the AFC East with the impressive win over the Seahawks. Beating the Seahawks on the road? Meaningless, the Bills still have a lot to prove. Let's examine Matt Cassell's assessment of the situation:
Week 1's best cheerleaders have to go to the Eagles. Check out the photo from philadelphiaeagles.com and note the domain in the link; somebody over there has a sense of humor.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Quick Picks
I have two papers due tomorrow, so I have to bless you with my picks real quick.
Denver -3 at Oakland
It's Oakland. It will take a while to integrate all those high priced new players, if it ever happens anyway. If you are really horny to throw cash, go under the 41, too. Neither offense is really that good, let alone 20+ points a piece good.
Minnesota +2 1/2 at Green Bay
Look for the Vikings to win this game outright. A bit of an upset, but I think the Minnesota front four are one of the scariest units in the whole league. They are going to be a nightmare to block, and they will be rushing a first year QB. The only thing that worries me about this pick is Tavaris Jackson.
Denver -3 at Oakland
It's Oakland. It will take a while to integrate all those high priced new players, if it ever happens anyway. If you are really horny to throw cash, go under the 41, too. Neither offense is really that good, let alone 20+ points a piece good.
Minnesota +2 1/2 at Green Bay
Look for the Vikings to win this game outright. A bit of an upset, but I think the Minnesota front four are one of the scariest units in the whole league. They are going to be a nightmare to block, and they will be rushing a first year QB. The only thing that worries me about this pick is Tavaris Jackson.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Week 1
Don't have much time so I'll just throw up my picks for this week.
Jacksonville (-3) at Tennessee
The Titans just aren't very good. They made the playoffs because of the power disparity in the AFC. 5 great teams, 11 mediocre to awful teams. What does it say about a conference when only one playoff spot is really up for grabs at the start of the season?
Chicago (+9.5) at Indianapolis
Jacksonville (-3) at Tennessee
The Titans just aren't very good. They made the playoffs because of the power disparity in the AFC. 5 great teams, 11 mediocre to awful teams. What does it say about a conference when only one playoff spot is really up for grabs at the start of the season?
Chicago (+9.5) at Indianapolis
Hard not to like such a big spread when Peyton isn't 100%.
Houston (+6.5) at Pittsburgh
Houston has put together quite a pass rush. Pittsburgh has put together a trifling offensive line. The Texans will lose but it'll be less than a touchdown.
Upset of the week? Buffalo over Seattle.
If you're into statistics you might notice I picked three visitors, which is not fundamentally sound. Unfortunately, I haven't seen Drew's picks yet to know who I should bet against.
If you're into statistics you might notice I picked three visitors, which is not fundamentally sound. Unfortunately, I haven't seen Drew's picks yet to know who I should bet against.
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