Praise be to Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I know it's been awhile since we last talked, but I figured I should drop on by and give you big e-props for ruining Tom Brady's season. You really have no idea just how much of a difference this makes. Last week I was trying to figure out how to catch football highlights without watching Mike Ditka and Emmitt Smith bear wrestle each other to swallow Tom's cock first. Now who are they going to deepthroat? Tony Romo? Emmitt Smith can't even say that name without getting censored. Here are some of the awesome things that this has done:

• Removed him from my fucking sight on Sundays
• Dropped the Patriots from Super Bowl favorite to a slightly above average team with a wide receiver waiting to quit on his QB
• made it impossible for Tom Brady to have sex with his girlfriend standing up (HA, choke on that one!)
• led to the crushed dreams of thousands of self-righteous Boston sports fans

Seriously, this makes up for all those lame Christmases. In fact, I think that this deserves to be its own holiday. I know you don't like to take all the credit, what with the whole separation of church and state, and I wouldn't want something as magnificent as this to be tied to any specific religion when everyone from Jews to Kwanzaa-ites can also celebrate in it. Perhaps this should be called Bernard Pollard Day? Is a day enough? My only regret is that Pollard only got the knee instead of taking the time to do something more like this.

Side note: all the Boston fans need to shut the fuck up about the play being dirty. Holy crap, the player didn't quit on the play, even though Sammie Morris did! How dare he fight through a block to reach the quarterback! Two hand touch rules only when it comes to Brady! Seriously, go get assfisted by some Southie skinhead.

You know what I really love, Jesus? All the fantasy football players that have gotten absolutely fucked by this. Let's face it, watching people's fantasy teams fail is always hilarious (please see Drew's teams from 2003-2045, assuming he isn't choked to death before then), but it's even funnier when their season is ruined in the first half of the first game of the season.

I'm sure there are some skeptics that don't believe you're responsible for this. Perhaps you could give them a sign by sacrificing another player, maybe someone like Shawne Merri--wait, what? PRAISE BE TO JESUS!