Week 8

To start off this week, that Redskins game was way too close for me. A win is a win, but we have to find a way to get it in the end zone more. We are ranked 7th in total yards (3rd rushing, 19th passing), but only 23rd in total points. The Skins obviously have to start converting more of those long drives into 7 instead of 3 or 0 like we have been getting. I am almost inclined to blame the passing game problems on those worthless rookies. Our number one priority in the offseason was upgrading the passing game, and none of our top 3 draft picks have contributed this year. What a bunch of busts those are turning out to be. And who runs a reverse to a tight end? I know you cannot judge a draft pick until they get 2 or 3 years in the league, but they are not even getting their hands on the ball or even on the field at all. Chris Horton is the one bright spot of this draft class so far, and he was our fucking last pick.

Clinton Portis and the O-line are holding up their end of the bargain. Clinton Portis is getting his props, but the O-line is not getting much love. Portis would not be running like this unless he is also getting good blocking up front. And remember how much doubt there was about this line in the offseason and preseason? I sure as fuck have not heard anyone questioning them since the regular season has started. That silence should be taken as praise. No news is definitely good news.

And how about this league? It is so hard to pick winners because you never know what is going to happen. The Rams winning 2 in a row against really strong teams? Both the Pats and Colts look unstoppable one week, and the next they shit the bed. A game with Kyle Orton and Gus Frerotte starting at QB combine for 89 fucking points. Who can predict this shit? Oh well, fuck it. I am not going to start following college (any more than I am forced to) or anything. I will just have to stick to this gambling minefield.

Mike must be pissing his pants with joy. While the Skins look way strong, the Cowboys are imploding in front of our very eyes. Thanks for all the media access to your team Jerry Jones, fucking glamor whore. Get some more botox. I think they are suffering from a syndrome that a lot of NFL teams have; head coaches that should never have risen past the coordinator level. Wade Phillips, Norv Turner, Brad Childress, etc. I am sure they know their shit, maybe more than anyone out there, but they are not leaders. And the Cowboys are in a chaotic situation that has gotten out of their control. I heard that after the Rams loss (which ends my automatic picking against them every week), Jerry Jones yelled at the team. Isn't that the head coach's job? That tells me everything I need to know about this group of overrated frauds. And I don't want to hear the argument that this is because Homo is out. Those fudgepackers didn't lose to the Cardinals and get the beatdown from the Rams because the guy Jessica Simpson is getting shots in the face from has a busted finger. This isn't college, where one player can make or break a team. The NFL is much more complicated than that.

I got stung a little on my picks last week. The fucking Lions had to come back in the 4th quarter to make it an 7 point loss to the Texans, which didn't cover. And why do I keep giving New Orleans so much credit? I listen to the hype on them too much. Never again. Have fun watching the playoffs from home douchebags. Anyway, I see a few lines on the board that I think are way off, so I have a good feeling about this week.

Cincinnati (+9 1/2) at Houston
I laid this very number last week when the Texans played the woeful Lions. And I happen to think Nasty Nati is at least a more talented team than the Lions. Houston will fail to cover laying the wood once again this week, but I will be on the right side of it this time.

Atlanta (+9) at Philadelphia
Vegas is once again giving the Falcons disrespectful lines. The last time they did that, the Falcons beat the Bears outright. Are they aware that the Falcons have a better record than the Eagles? I almost smell upset here, but I am content just getting the big number. This is the third biggest number on the board this week, and it's being given to a 4-2 team. I could go on forever about how fucking idiotic I think this line is. Put your roll on the Falcons this week.

Seattle at San Francisco (Under 42)
Mad turmoil in both teams. This could be worst matchup all year. Although Nasty Nati and the Chiefs in week 17 also looks like a giant shitfest. Both games are going to be like watching two retards trying to fuck a doorknob. I don't know (or care) who wins. All I know is that Seneca Wallace and J.T. O'Sullivan will not lead their offenses to 21 a piece.

Dallas (-2 1/2) vs. Tampa Bay
The Cowboys are still a very talented team, and urgency should have arrived by now. It is really now or never for this team.

Last week
1-3

For the year
19-8

T-t-t-too hot for TV!

So the Patriots are back getting off on running up the score. Bully for them. I hope Matt Cassel can prove just how mediocre Tom Brady really was. Of course, I’d also like them suffer horrible losses, like a blowout to Miami or something... man this season is good but they really need a career ending injury to another prick from that team to make it great. Somebody like Rodney Harrison, perhaps? Yeah I’m not done with the sour grapes just yet because you may have heard the Cowboys got blown up by the Rams and got robbed by the Lions in one week. There are so many hilarious TO moments still to come this season; I can’t wait.

Everyone at this time should take a minute to look at this list and take note on who is at the top: Link.

Really soak that in; I’ll wait.

My picks have reached a new level of sucking at 4-9 for 21-30 on the season. If you’re looking for an upset let me know and I’ll bet against your team. It is a long season and I’ve got plenty of time to make a comeback, so here we go:

Falcons (+9) at Eagles – I think Atlanta could actually win this.
Chiefs (+13) at NYJ – That’s too huge a line, right? I mean, KC is bad but so are the Jets.
Rams (+7) at Patriots – Patriots have been flip flopping all season and the Rams are hot right now.
Bills (-2) at Dolphins – I’m starting to believe the Bills may be decent. Prove me wrong assholes.
Ravens (-7) over Raiders – Way to kick a really long field goal, I guess you can’t be bad at everything.
Redskins (-7.5) at Lions – Please don’t choke again.
Panthers (-4.5) over Cardinals – No team this season has won travelling west to east and Arizona is especially bad at it throughout their entire existence in Arizona.
Saints (+3.5) over Chargers – This game is in London and a complete toss up because who knows what that field is like so I’m taking the underdog for the points.
Texans (-9.5) over Bengals – Fitz, Fitz, Fitz!
Browns (+7) at Jaguars – Who the hell knows who the Browns are but I think they’re better off without Winslow.
Steelers (+3) over Giants – Because fuck the Giants.
49ers (-5) over Seahawks – If there is a God, FOX will play a different game at 4. Agnostics are on the edge of their seats.
Titans (-4) over Colts – Because I traded for Peyton in fantasy.

Week 7 Blessings

I have said it before, and I will say it again. It is agonizing being a Redskins fan. It is difficult to believe the special teams played that bad. If our punting was better, we win that game. Punting.

Check this series of plays. 4:36 to go in the 3rd quarter. The Skins are punting on their own 7. Our sub-human punter kicks it 26 yards to our own 33. Then our defense forces a 3 and out, and the Rams kick a 44 yard field goal on 4th down. Let me ax you this, let me ax you this, how in the motherfuck does a team go 3 and out and still score points? All other things being equal, if Durrant Brooks can just kick an average punt, we win that game. And lets not forget that he has had 2 punts run back for TDs this year too. Someone should cut that guys limbs off and leave him in a horrible existence as a living torso. Thank Jesus they acted and got a new punter this week.

The stupid turnovers have to end also. Shit is going to happen, but Pete Kendall should know better than to try to run after catching the ball like that. Fall down. I did not get to see the game because they obviously played the Bears game out here, but I heard that they dropped a couple of interceptions also. I have been saying this for a while, the Redskins need to work on ball handling. They need to accept the gifts they are given, and minimize the gifts they give away. I knew that the only way the Rams were going to win was if they won the turnover battle big, and they did 3 to 1.

I have heard a lot of talk this week about the Redskins did not come ready to play. I also saw the highlights where the Rams were going nuts after the game like they just won the Super Bowl or some shit. Calm the fuck down idiots, you had 8 first downs. We almost had triple that number. You didn't deserve to win that game. You got lucky. I could not agree with Mike more. The Skins dominated that game on offense and defense. Don't think so? Look at the fucking stat sheet bitch. It's all Skins. It just shows how important turnovers are. And also, special teams, even punting, matters. If they play the same way they did on Sunday, they win that game 9 out of 10 times. That was a fluke. I am not worried about this team or necessarily disappointed in their overall performance last week. I am just fucking angry as hell at certain parts of the team. I hope the team takes this loss as hard as the fans are and get angry themselves. They need to go out there on Sunday and give the Browns (still the fraud of the AFC) the motherfucking beatdown.

Here is some more solid gold for you turd burglars.

Chicago (-3) vs. Minnesota
Division game. The Bears coming off a heart breaking loss last week to the Falcons. And the Vikings put up 12 points against the worst defense in the league. Again, Gus Frerotte is not the answer. Put your rubber-banded roll on the Bears this week.

Dallas (-7) at St. Louis
After a bye and the Skins game, I can finally get back to picking automatic winners against the Rams.

New Orleans (+3) at Carolina
Game of the week in a big NFC South matchup. The Saints could get back in the hunt for the division with a win on the road, and the Panthers need to get a win after playing like shit and ass in Tampa. I give the edge to the Saints because they have the momentum going in, and the Panthers running game is stalling. That probably has something to do with the injury situation on their line. Only one starting O-lineman has played every game this year. I can see this one going down to the final possession, which also favors a Saints pick.

Houston (-9 1/2) vs. Detroit
The Lions have the worst D in the league, and the Texans actually have a respectable offense. What's more, the Lions just traded away their most talented receiver, although he was clamoring to get the fuck out of there forever. The Lions are so bad, I am willing to take a 1-4 team laying the wood against them.

Last week
3-1

For the year
18-5

Welcome to the Circus

In reaction to hearing the news that the Cowboys had traded for Lions receiver Roy Williams, TO was so excited he could be heard singing:

(To the tune of Welcome to the Jungle, in the event you're retarded)

Welcome to the circus
We got cons 'n' addicts
We got everything you want
Willy we know the names
We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need
If you got the plays homey
We got your legal fees

In the circus
Welcome to the circus
Watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n knees, knees
I love me some meeeee

Welcome to the circus
We take it week by week
If you want it you're gonna beg
But it's the price you pay
And you're a very talented guy
That's very hard to please
You can taste the bright lights
But you'll never be bigger than me
In the circus
Welcome to the circus
Feel my, my, my sob routine
I, I wanna hear me scream

Welcome to the circus
It gets worse here every week
Ya learn to live like a drama queen
In the circus where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You'll try to take it eventually
You can have all the touches you want
But you better not take them from me

In the circus
Welcome to the circus
Watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n knees, knees
I love me some meeeee

The fearsome Rams

368 yards to 200 yards.
208 in the air to 136
181 on the ground to 76

Only the Redskins could lose with that stat line. Absolute domination on both sides of the ball. Running the ball at will; Portis averaged 6+ yards per carry on 21 carries. The defense only gave up two field goals. It also turned the ball over on the two. I propose that after the offense ran in from the 2 after the turnover had they simply taken three knees and punted the rest of the game we would've won.

Three ball breaking turnovers and horrifying special teams, almost unbelievable that the special teams were SO BAD that a dominating offense and defense couldn't make up for it. Credit to the Rams for accepting our gifts, after their opening drive they didn't throw the game away like they usually do.

There are a couple silver linings here and some sweet sweet schaudenfraud. The first good thing is that we did dominate on both sides of the ball, so really just some ball handling to work on and we're still a very good team. The second is the lesson the Redskins will (hopefully) learn from this. They looked past this game and you can't do that in the NFL. Do the Rams suck? Yes, but they're still an NFL team and you can't sleep on anybody in the NFL. If the Redskins learn that they will be 6-2 going into their bye. Almost making up for the Redskins loss is the Cowboys losing. Huzzah! Losing a defacto home game in Arizona in overtime (that game should never have gone to OT, the refs fucked that game hard) AND losing Tony Romo for a month. Take that chumps. (As I type this New York is also down 2 scores, but the Browns are busy collapsing before the half. Edit: Yes yes that rocked.)

I bent my wookie

You may think I missed my picks last week because of the embarrassing performance I put up two weeks ago. Let me assure you that I am the better picker and I am ashamed to have lost two weeks in a row to inferior picks. Just because I’m 0-2 in my divisional picks and riding in last place will not prevent me from talking shit, I assure you. What? My electrifying running back was drafted by Drew and is now injured, leaving me to carry the offen.. er picks? Time to start thinking about next season, assuming I don’t blow out a knee in the next few weeks and end up traded to Minnesota during the off season and end up losing the starting job to a guy who head butts walls because I one hop five yard passes.

McNabb’s McWhining aside, I couldn’t pick last week because I was on travel to the Far East. Much farther than China, I’m talking California far. The Schaub was out this last week (bruised self esteem 1-2 weeks) so check out the Wise Sage Rosenfels at the end of his 56 minutes of career comeback goodness:

Awesome.

So the Redskins, man, wow. The offense is getting a lot of love, probably because we haven’t had one in a decade, and they deserve it. Hanging 200+ on the league’s top run defense? Impressive. Ending the game with a 7+ minute drive? Almost an old school Riggo drill if they didn’t attempt those two passes. Still as much as the offense has improved I think we need to look at the defense as the reason we’ve won these last four games. In five weeks we’ve faced the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 9th best offenses in the entire league and held all of them to their lowest yardage of the season. The defense may be ranked only 13th in the league but consider the caliber of offenses we’ve faced I think that’s damn good.

I still think this week is going to be a test for the Redskins on a number of levels. The Redskins have a recent history of some bad trends that point to possible problems in this game. Foremost, they’re constantly playing down to their opponents. It seems like every game is close regardless of if we’re playing a great team or a Detroit-esque team. We need to put St. Louis down with authority if we’re for real. We’re also a huge favorite and thus far the Redskins have thrived on being the underdogs. It’s time to find new motivation to perform and they need to find it fast. Despite St. Louis being a good candidate for 0-16 (much better than Miami was last year by the way, they lost so many close games) this is a real test of the Redskins’ character.

I see Drew is hating on Kyle ‘The Bottle’ Orton. Well, I was going to start another player but because you’re talking shit and I’ve got you this week in fantasy… prepare to face the wrath of Neckbeard. Last time I said I liked a player for fantasy and didn’t start him the asshole scored 5 TDs – not making that mistake again. Alright, time for picks. Since I’m currently in Vegas, money goes on these. I’m due for a good week right? Using the lines from the MGM Grand sports book.
Carolina (-1.5) at Tampa – NFC South may be competitive but they sure are boring. Either way Tampa is not for real.
Washington (No line) over Rams – The MGM Grand has pulled this game from the board.
New York Jets (-8) over Cincinnati – Fitz is the Titz!
New Orleans (-7) over Oakland – Even the Saints cant fuck up another one right?
Miami (-3) at Houston – Holy shit the fins are favored on the road. I thought that would take at least 2-3 years after last season.
Chicago (-3) at Atlanta – Blinded by the Beard
Vikings (-13) over Detroit – Has Detroit lost by less than 13 yet?
Baltimore (-4) over Indianapolis – Nap town is reeling, Flacco needs a nickname. Time for him to earn one this week.
Denver (-3) over Jacksonville – I got nothing.
San Francisco (+5) over Philadelphia – Westbrook is out = Philly sucks
Arizona (+4.5) over Dallas – Look for Kurt 'El Savior' Warner to pass judgement on the sinners
Green Bay (-1) at Seattle – One point? Anybody watched Seattle play this year?
New England (+5) at San Diego – I bet this game looked important before the season started
New York Giants (-7.5) at Cleveland - Have I mentioned how much of a piece of shit Romeo Crennel is?

Week 6 Guarantees

Thanks have to go out to Matt Schaub and the Texans for letting the Colts come back to score 21 points in 2:10 in the fourth quarter to come back and cover. How the fuck do you let that happen? And did you see the hit on Schaub that made him spin in the air? What an idiot. Thanks also go to the Bills for proving my theory that you really are not for real, especially your highly rated D, which let that fossil Kurt Warner hang 41 on them. They played nothing but garbage in their first 4 games, and everyone was sucking their dicks and saying how great their defense is. Everyone's defense looks stifling against the Rams, Raiders, Jags, and Seahawks.

How about the motherfucking Skins? Once again, this team is for real. I really have to think it is because of the improvement in the coaching staff. When Gibbs was here, the Redskins were playing scared. Nursing leads, not taking chances, always running on first down, etc. Now there seems to be a completely different attitude about this team. Jason Campbell is playing mistake free football. He still has not thrown a pick. Clinton Portis is having a bomb year. The O line might be the most surprising part of the team. They are playing really well, especially in the run. Going into this game, the Eagles were the number 1 rated D against the run, and the Skins ran for 203 on them. We also controlled the entire tempo of the game. Time of possession Redskins - 34:45, Eagles 25:15. First downs Redskins - 22, Eagles - 12. To me, that tells a lot.

I heard Donovan McNabb running his mouth after the game about how they shouldn't have lost to the Redskins. Here's a newsflash for you douchebag, you're team is the embarrassment of the NFC East. You're 2-3, and you got dominated by the Redskins. You did not deserve to win that game after giving up an early 14 point lead, and letting the Skins run the ball down your fucking throat all game. Now it looks like the Eagles are going to be the only team from the NFC East to not go to the playoffs. Go fuck yourself.

For the Skins, these first 5 games were by far the hardest stretch on the schedule. We have now played all the division road games, the rest are at home. And the out of division games are mostly cupcakes. The combine record of the next 3 teams we play is 1-11. The Redskins look very good to be 7-1 halfway through the season. I am fucking horny.

I have noticed that Yahoo has started to include odds from multiple sources, so I am just going to use the ones they list from Sportsbook.com. Even though I said I was going to always pick against the Rams, I am not going to pick that game this week in order to avoid cursing the Skins. I am football poison.

Time for more 10 dime can't miss cash out your 401k locks.

Cincinnati (+8) at NY Jets
Even though they lost, Nasty Natti actually looked respectable at Dallas last week. The Jets are coming off a bye and Brett Favre has the highest QB rating in the league, but they are not good enough to cover that number against a talented offense like the Bengals have. Nasty Natti might even pull their first win this week.

New Orleans (-7) vs. Oakland
The Raiders have been a mess for the past decade, but never moreso than now with a retarded Count Dracula as the owner. And the Saints are coming off a tough loss last week that fucked my winning streak right in its previously-untouched ass. If they just don't turn the ball over 4 times like last week, they should cover the 7.

Green Bay (-1 1/2) at Seattle
Do they not get Seahawks games in Las Vegas? They are fucking abysmal. The Giants put up 44 points and 523 total yards on them last week. And the Packers offense isn't anything to shit on either. I could go on forever about how retarded that line is. Lay the 1 1/2, and put your roll on the Pack.

Atlanta (+3) vs. Chicago
The Falcons just beat another NFC North team, Green Bay, on the road last week. For them to be getting points at home the next week is a little disrespectful. And Orton will not have the same week he had in week 5. By the way, I was in Chicago a couple of weekends ago visiting a friend who grew up there. Huge bears fan. He says around here they shorten neckbeard to n'eard. Anyway you say it, it's pure class.

Last week
3-1

For the year
15-4

Just more locks

I am on fucking fire bitches. 8-0 in the last two weeks. Let's be fair though, betting against the Rams is an automatic winner every time. Vegas needs to come to their senses and take Rams games off their boards. But until they do, I will welcome those locks.

And how about those motherfucking Skins? The Skins dominated that game. It was not as close as the score would lead one to believe. In my opinion, the best evidence of that is the time of possession; Redskins - 38:09, Cowboys - 21:51. And it looked like the game went exactly how they planned too. Not like during the Gibbs II era when even scoring drives looked strained. The West Coast offense looks like it is clicking. And I was very impressed by Jason Campbell's movement in the pocket. I know him and Zorn worked on that over the offseason, and you could see him buying time in the pocket several times during that game. I have always liked Campbell as the future of this team, and it feels like he is coming around for this new coach and in this new offense.

This week they have the Eagles. The line favors the Eagles by 6, which I think is a slap in the fucking face. If I wasn't worried about cursing my boys, I would put my roll on the Skins. I think this game will depend a lot on Brian Westbrook. He practiced fully today, but he was probably pushed to play this week because this has turned into a huge game. I have another feeling that the Skins will not even need the 6 and will win this game outright. And if they do, DC will lose its fucking mind. Don't be surprised if you start to see some fresh gear on the streets if the Skins get to 4-1. Especially because their schedule is chock full of winners after this stretch (their next three games are at home against St. Louis, Cleveland, and at Detroit. Count those.).

Enough talk. Time for me to come down from heaven and grace you fudgepackers with my winners.

Arizona (-1) vs. Buffalo
The Cardinals offense is just too good to keep losing forever. And excuse me, but the Bills are not for real. They will get their first loss traveling across the country.

New Orleans (-3) vs. Minnesota
The Saints looked good last week. And Gus Frerotte is not the answer. The Vikings will keep losing until they realize that.

Pittsburgh (+4) at Jacksonville
I love this number. I am not sure who will win this game, but it should be low scoring (i.e. within a field goal, no matter who kicks it to win). This is also a rematch of a great playoff game last year. I actually remember Mike and I watched that shit at Carpool, and made fun of all the idiots in Steelers jerseys. Fuck Steelers fans who aren't from Pittsburgh.

Indianapolis (-3) at Houston
Naptown is coming off a bye, and they should come to their senses and at least play like a decent team this week. Also, the Texans D is dreadful. The 29th, 22nd, and 23rd ranked offenses all hung 30 or more on them this year.

One more thing, can anyone tell me why the Green Bay - Atlanta game is off the board?

Last week
4-0

For the year
12-3

Your Football Team Sucks: The Arizona Cardinals

Ladies and Gentlemen (Mike is the lady), we'll be running a 32 part series entitled Your Football Team Sucks. In it, we'll explain why your team sucks and you should expect failure this year, either on the field, in the courtroom, or in my bitter mind as I hate them on their march to the Super Bowl. This week: the Arizona Cardinals.

I didn't have too many bright spots this year going into the NFL season, but one thing that I was happy to see was that there was almost zero Arizona Cardinal nut-hugging this preseason. You could see that those moronic wideloads on ESPN, especially Chris Berman, wanted to once again call them their sleeper pick of the season, but even they realized it would have been stupid after Kurt Warner's zombie corpse beat out Matt Leinart (now throwing with his left hand because his right hand is currently supporting a young woman's beer bong). Remember Leinart's first game against the Bears? Fast forward to the present, and at this point he's progressed less than Kyle Orton.

And why couldn't Leinart beat out Warner? Talent? Fuck no. Brains? I'm pretty sure Kurt Warner doesn't believe in dinosaurs or anything else not mentioned in the bible. The answer, of course, is much simpler than that. Look at the pussy these two come home to:







































Seriously, if you're Matt Leinart, do you have any ambition at all to be the starter? You're young, rich, and for some reason, women want to blow you, even though you always look either a. drunk b. homeless or c. both. Meanwhile, Warner has to come home to someone who looks like she stores broken glass shards in her chach. How much pent-up frustration do you think he has to get out of his system? Not to mention no one's ever seen Kurt Warner try to avoid a sack. It's obvious he's hoping to get his brains turned into gelatin and forget his identity, like that movie with Harrison Ford. You know the one, it was on HBO all the time 6 years ago…he was a dick, then he became a nice guy, then he married a man, and he decided to get hit by a train to forget who he was.

Yep, couple that with a talented wide receiver that's managed by Drew Rosenhaus, an offensive line that looks like it's trying to run a dicksucking marathon with each other every time the ball is snapped, and a pair of running backs that vary between old and decrepit and young and decrepit, and you're looking at another 6-10 year. Which is just enough to put them in contention in the NFC West.