Your Football Team Sucks: The Arizona Cardinals

Ladies and Gentlemen (Mike is the lady), we'll be running a 32 part series entitled Your Football Team Sucks. In it, we'll explain why your team sucks and you should expect failure this year, either on the field, in the courtroom, or in my bitter mind as I hate them on their march to the Super Bowl. This week: the Arizona Cardinals.

I didn't have too many bright spots this year going into the NFL season, but one thing that I was happy to see was that there was almost zero Arizona Cardinal nut-hugging this preseason. You could see that those moronic wideloads on ESPN, especially Chris Berman, wanted to once again call them their sleeper pick of the season, but even they realized it would have been stupid after Kurt Warner's zombie corpse beat out Matt Leinart (now throwing with his left hand because his right hand is currently supporting a young woman's beer bong). Remember Leinart's first game against the Bears? Fast forward to the present, and at this point he's progressed less than Kyle Orton.

And why couldn't Leinart beat out Warner? Talent? Fuck no. Brains? I'm pretty sure Kurt Warner doesn't believe in dinosaurs or anything else not mentioned in the bible. The answer, of course, is much simpler than that. Look at the pussy these two come home to:







































Seriously, if you're Matt Leinart, do you have any ambition at all to be the starter? You're young, rich, and for some reason, women want to blow you, even though you always look either a. drunk b. homeless or c. both. Meanwhile, Warner has to come home to someone who looks like she stores broken glass shards in her chach. How much pent-up frustration do you think he has to get out of his system? Not to mention no one's ever seen Kurt Warner try to avoid a sack. It's obvious he's hoping to get his brains turned into gelatin and forget his identity, like that movie with Harrison Ford. You know the one, it was on HBO all the time 6 years ago…he was a dick, then he became a nice guy, then he married a man, and he decided to get hit by a train to forget who he was.

Yep, couple that with a talented wide receiver that's managed by Drew Rosenhaus, an offensive line that looks like it's trying to run a dicksucking marathon with each other every time the ball is snapped, and a pair of running backs that vary between old and decrepit and young and decrepit, and you're looking at another 6-10 year. Which is just enough to put them in contention in the NFC West.